|-The Deluded Informer, Christmas of '98 Edition-|
By Patrick Shearing:
|Waldo found dead--nobody cares|
Lampmania, Colorado:The citizens of Lampmania were shocked on Wednesday when the body of famous children's character Waldo was found. He and his close companion Woof were discovered crushed beneath a boulder.
"Oh well. Too bad," said Immelda, mother of Waldo. "He's been crying wolf since the early 90's. It's about time he really disappears--for good."
Waldo enjoyed a string of popular children's books in the early 90's, including Where is Waldo 1, 2, 3, 4 and Where is Waldo Again (The Sequel).
Waldo's live-in companion Julia Ghina was not deeply hurt by his death. "I was pretty damn mad each time he left," she said in an exclusive interview. "He was always disappearing, forcing me to search like some kind of fool for his sorry ass."
Close friends of Waldo were surprised by his tragic death. "Its kind of ironic that he went missing for the last time--we thought he was just pulling another disappearing act," said Captain Highliner, a cartoon fisherman and longtime friend of Waldo. "He went down the only way he ever knew--lost, stupid, and holding that damn cane."
Certain critics of Waldo's have suggested that this might have been a suicide attempt. "Just look at the writing on the wall," said Wizard Whitebeard, elderly mage and father of 3. "He kept demanding we seek him out, and when we started to lose interest--he went off and died."
These allegations of suicide on Waldo's part may have some validity. Waldo's frequent disappearances may have been due to a lack of self esteem, or to feelings of anger towards his parents.
Waldo's death may be sad for some, but it is a blessing for business. Hasbro has released an action figure of Waldo's likeness, complete with plastic boulder and fake blood packet.
Waldo's death also caused ripples in the media community. Newspapers, television networks, and radio stations everywhere were covering his death in full force. "Never mind the bombing going on in Iraq--this Waldo thing is big news!" said Stone Philips, reporter for NBC's 60 Minutes.
President Bill Clinton mentioned Waldo in his State of the Union address on Thursday. "Waldo--wherever you are--I feel your pain," said the President, with a tear in his eye. "I sincerely hope that all Americans remember what Waldo stood for, and that I did not have sex with Monica Lewinsky."
Cartoon character Waldo, famous for his frequent disappearances.
[Back to main]
©1998 The Deluded Informer. This is a Satirical publication, published twice a month, intended for humour only. All Rights Reserved.