-The Deluded Informer, Issue 2 of 2nd Edition- [access our archive]
By Philip Shearing:

Study: Kids and Cigarettes Do Mix

Cleveland, Ohio: Conventional wisdom has always preached that cigarettes and babies don't mix. This is proving to be more wishful thinking than true wisdom. Why? A recent study systematically proves that "babies like tobacco smoke." It also goes as far as saying that "...there is no wrong age to enjoy the benefits of a healthy tobacco habit."

The 4 year long study, which includes lots of really fancy bars and graphs outlining the results, appears to show that children as young as 1 month can enjoy the smooth pull of a Winston-Salem, or at least are capable of second-handedly enjoying the smoke that was once considered noxious to their health.

The abstract of the study holds many a gem, including the following news for parents. "Cigarettes are largely harmless to your children--enjoy those nice, refreshing tobacco products, and share with your kids. Don't neglect the most important things in their lives. Prove that you care about them. As they get older, give them that chance to try King size Joe Camel's. Let their little lungs absorb that menthol goodness with every puff."

The study has even gone as far as recommending that a product be developed to supply tobacco to these toking tykes. Gerbers Inc. has come forward with a form of nicotine diluted into milk and other healthy ingredients. Benson and Hedges International has responded with a form of chewing tobacco flavoured with strawberry and chocolate.

Peggy Wistom, mother of 4, is definately relieved. "I figured maybe I should cut down on the Players Regular King Sized when Billy came down with the asthma, but what's the point? The little fucker is probably enjoying all my free smoke." She paused to cough while chewing on her yellow-stained fingers. "When he hits 13, he's gonna get a job so he can pay for his own cigarettes."

Certain critics of the study are speaking out against the study, and it's methodology. Some even go far as saying that it is "complete and utter bullshit." One such opponent to youth smoking is Izzy Locum, CEO and Chairman of Cadbury Inc., makers of famed "Popeye Candy Cigarettes." "This study will irrevocably hurt my business. What the hell are they trying to prove? Besides, everyone knows that smokes are for 13 and up."

So, the verdict is in. Why argue with the scientists? Enjoy that cowboyesque experience, and let the future of America decide for themselves whether or not they want to live in Marlboro country.

This study was financed jointly by Philip Morris of America and Winston Salem Inc.

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