-The Deluded Informer, Issue 1 of 2nd Edition-           [access our archive]
By John Schuller:

Clinton Pot Party Nearly Ruined By Janet Reno

Washington, D.C.: According to a new book, "The Things I Have Seen", ex-President Clinton, along with several of his Cabinet members and staffers, had a close call during his first term when Attorney General Janet Reno walked into the Oval Office as the group was enjoying a taste of high-grade marijuana.

"Things had really started to unwind," said George Stephanopolous, the book’s author, "when the Attorney General knocked on the door. Agriculture Secretary Dan Glickman had just come back from Daniel Boone National Forest in Kentucky with some amazing Bluegrass Zombie, and several of those present suggested that the President ’conduct a quality review of the nation’s agricultural produce’. Aida Alvarez had some JOB papers, and within minutes the room reeked from the smell of the weed. The President had us all on the floor as he strode around the room puffing, shouting ’Look at me! Look at me! I’m not inhaling!’"

Although the names of most of the room’s occupants were not given, some reports mentioned then-Vice-President Al Gore running into the bathroom, where the sound of retching was then heard. Upon his emergence he allegedly denied being sick, claiming instead that his Mountain Dew had 'gone down the wrong pipe.'"

"Nobody bought it for a second," said Glickman. "His eyes were watering and he wouldn’t stop drinking water. That’s when there was a knock on the door."

According to eyewitness reports, the room fell silent for a few seconds as Reno called "Hello? Who’s in there? What’s that smell?" The quick thinking President produced a cigar and lit it, waving it about as he moved to the door. Opening it, he let Reno in, claiming the smell was from the cigar, a Cuban Cohiba. "She fell for it," stated William Cohen, who admitted to being there at the time. "We figured the Attorney General of the United States would be a little less gullible, but I suppose that helps explain Ruby Ridge and Waco a little better."

This was not the first close call that had occurred in the Clinton White House. "Back in 1993," continued Cohen, "Henry Cisneros used to bring some killer weed up from San Antonio, and there were three or four times when various spoilsports almost wrecked the fun, including Jesse Helms, Newt Gingrich and Ms. Clinton herself. Chelsea caught us once, but didn’t seem to be too upset about it."

Rumors still circulate in Washington circles regarding an alleged incident in 1995 when Official Presidential Asshole James Carville distributed ecstasy to members of the National Security Council. "There was a lot of talk that day about loving North Korea, Iraq and several other nations," said Donna Shalala, former Secretary of Health and Human Services, who claims to have been hiding in a closet. "Once you got Madeleine Albright going, you’d have foreign aid for every group of people with a flag and inadequate sanitation."

When asked to comment, ex-President Clinton responded by saying that the story was ridiculous. "I’ve never cared for JOB papers, and the American people know this. To suggest I would use anything less than Clubs is an insult to me and to the fine Italian paper industry. What were we talking about?"

Clinton sees this face in his nightmares.

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