-The Deluded Informer, Issue 2 of 2nd Edition           [access our archive]
News Shorts, by Justin CaldwellShorts

News Shorts? Yep.

[Man Misses Appendix]

There is a man weeping in Moncton today. His name is Darryl Stuart. The source of his unending pain? One year ago, his appendix was cruelly taken from him.

The Deluded Informer was lucky enough to get an interview with this beleagured man, in his Moncton home. "I never asked them to take my appendix out!" sobbed Mr. Stuart, recalling the fateful day.

"I remember being in a lot of pain and thinking I should lay down" he said. "The next thing I know, I wake up in a hospital and some doctor's telling me they took my appendix out".

It turns out that his brother came over shortly after he had fallen asleep. Chris Stuart said that Darryl was in obvious pain when he stopped by, so he rushed him to the hospital and signed the consent form for the surgery.

"After Darryl woke up and was told that his appendix had been removed, he went into a huge rage!" Chris recalled. "He blames me for it...and we haven't spoken since".

It seems that Darryl Stuart doesn't care that if his appendix hadn't been removed he'd be dead. "Bodies are like families...if something is sick we have to stick together!".

Mr. Stuart is offering a reward for the safe return of his appendix and is currently pursuing legal action against his brother and the hospital.

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[Unemployed Man Announces Plans To Purchase Basketball Game]

Brandon Manitoba resident and unemployment beneficiary John Coodles has announced his plan to use part of his next cheque to purchase a Basketball video game for his N64.

Having already mastered his two other games of Football and Wrestling, and tired of the rentals at the corner store, Mr. Coodles thinks that the purchase of this game will surely get him out of his rut.

It should be noted he has not decided what basketball title to purchase, saying he will decide that when he gets to Zellers. If no suitable basketball games are present, he will purchase a hockey game, failing that the money will be blown on either junk food or the rent.

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[Ben Affleck To Star In Oliver Stone's "Dictionary Movie"]

The much maligned new movie from Dreamworks titled "Dictionary Movie", has jumped another major hurdle today as mega-star Ben Affleck has signed to star opposite Helen Hunt and Gabriel Byrne.

The movie, which has had very public problems with both it's script and location, finally seems ready to start shooting on Sesame Street next month. Zoning permits will be a problem, but Dreamworks has promised that they will "find a way to make Grover come to the table and talk business."

Director Oliver Stone says the movie will be full of definitions and dramatic reading as the actors read the dictionary out loud. It will feature Byrne as a poor Irish farmer trying to escape the potato famine, Helen Hunt as a working mother of two trying to get ahead, and Ben Affleck as an actor.

Controvery also stems from people saying the movie is just a commercial for Websters 67th edition of their famous dictionary, from which the actors will be reading.

"It's no secret that dictionary sales have slumped over the last few years, what with the invention of spell check for computers and such," said Stone, "...but we want to show kids that reading the dictionary isn't only cool, but educational".

Look for the film in theaters fall 2002.

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