Dear Deluded Reader:

Happy holidays everyone--I hope you gave and/or received many gifts, most of which were actually useful. This christmas message has a very important purpose--it is my chance to clear up a few things.

Firstly, Bill, I'm sorry I had to report you to the I.R.S. Listen, you should have never broke the law like that. By the way, thanks for saving my kid from that accident--that was a close one!

Andy, let's just call it even. I know that your mother was probably very special to you, but how can you blame me for running her over? I was in a hurry that day. Also, I'd like to thank you for that blood transfusion. It really hit the spot.

Mary, why are you so pissed off at me? I thought it would be cute to sell your little brother into slavery. He'd learn to respect authority and they'd probably give him some cool-looking chains. Are we still on for Friday?

Joe--how can you forget the good times? You didn't even send me a Christmas card this year. I can't really blame you though--I would be pretty ticked off if someone committed me to a mental institution. How's the food in there? Are they still feeding you through a straw?

Carlos, I will forever be in your debt. The way you covered for me when I killed that senior citizen was great. Too bad I had to report you as an illegal alien--you really were fun to have around.

Last, but not least, Jesse, thank you for standing by me all year long. Well, more like sitting, in that wheelchair I put you in--sorry about that. I thought you liked practical jokes? You're a sport.