-The Deluded Informer, Issue 2 of 2nd Edition [access our archive]

By Philip Shearing:

Reporter Jeremy Brendan Is An Asshole
Toronto, Ontario: Jeremy Brendan, former reporter for the Deluded Informer, is clearly an asshole. His pathetic attempts at contributing to this famous webzine were never sufficient, and now, he will be where he belongs--out on the street, sipping cheap wine from a paper bag, wishing that he had treated Editor Philip Shearing with respect.

Brendan's output to the Deluded Informer varied in quality. In fact, only one of his articles, "Death Threats Against Me, Analysed" was the only article that was ever approved by Editor Philip Shearing. This was mostly due to Jeremy's constant unwillingness to accept Shearing's editorial decisions, and his perpetual battles with heavy drinking and illicit use of drugs. His other article suggestions, including a piece on how television is convincing us to buy televisions, were all clearly unfunny and ill-advised.

Over the past several months, Brendan has been at odds with several important groups, including PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), DARE (Drug Abuse Resistance and Education), and the CIA. He lives his life at the bottom of a whiskey bottle, and he doesn't want to work. He thinks that newspapers are run by fools. We at the Deluded Informer have decided to show him how wrong he is. We have cast him out of the fold.

Before his mishaps with the staff of the Deluded Informer, he was a moderately successful reporter for the Wall Street Journal, where he covered such retina-shocking topics as the Asian Markets Downgrade of '97 and the Fuel Oil Scandal of '98. His desire to "work with folks that make a difference" led him to the offices of the Informer, where he held a gun to his own head and demanded that we accept him onto our staff.

Editor Philip Shearing tried to be the humanitarian, by giving him encouragement and suggestions on how he could improve his journalistic instincts. These suggestions were rejected and only drove Brendan even closer to the edge of insanity. This came to a climactic climax last Wednesday, when he was apprehended by Ottawa Police and arrested for strangling a small turkey with a piece of wire. Witnesses on the scene say that he was wearing a lampshade on his head and screaming random verses from the Bible.

But now, we must sadly close the book on this former reporter's journalistic output. They say that if you love something, you must let it go. If you're out there, Jeremy, we just wanted to say that we don't love you, but get the hell out anyway. Leave your cellphone and your laptop at the door.

[Ed. For anyone who wants to contact Jeremy Brendan, his personal phone number is 1-(423)-654-2394. Feel free to call him at any hours of the night. He would be glad to hear from you, especially in person. His street address is 103 Wakeside, Ottawa, Ontario. H9G 2B1. That is all.]
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This man is clearly an asshole.

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