St. Louis, Missouri: Apple Computers Inc. has issued a court order over use of the "Mac" nickname against baseball player Mark McGwire. The power slugger, who beat the single season homerun record this year by hitting 70 homeruns, is often referred to as "Power Mac", "Mac" and even "iMac".

Apple's lawyers have built a strong case. Their evidence includes press releases in which Mr. McGwire has been referred to as "Mac", photographs of "Power Mac" fans waving banners, and testimony from baseball fans, computer industry C.E.O.'s, and Kenneth Starr.

Mark McGwire has offered little or no defense; Joshua Brandid, his lawyer, said, "Apple computer has no grounds for this libelous lawsuit. My client was given the family name McGwire by his forefathers, and whatever nicknames are thrust upon him have no relevance whatsoever."

McGwire is visibly shaken by the lawsuit. Fearing the relentless fanatacism of Apple extremists, he has been in hiding for days. Macintosh supporters rioted through the streets of St. Louis yesterday, upsetting cars, smashing store windows, and burning McGwire in effigy. They also looted Toys-R-Us, stealing beanie babies and Telletubbies for their personal collections.

A Missouri judge has issued an injunction, forbidding McGwire from using his last name until the case is resolved. Until then, he will be referred to as "Big Dump". This also applies to his fans, the media, and anyone who tends to wave signs at baseball games.

Even if "Big Dump" wins this decision vs. Apple, another court case is looming on the horizon. McDonald's Inc. appears to be offended by the use of their trademarked "Big Mac" name. They are demanding that he cease using the nickname and to stop bragging he is "100% pure grade-a beef."

"I think this case is pure bullshit. Go CARDS! YEAHHHHHH!", said local sports fan Nicklas Bensky in a drunken frenzy. He then tore his shirt off, waved it in the air, screamed an obscenity, and passed out in his own vomit.

Until this case is resolved, "Big Dump" will have to swallow his pride, grin and bear it, and avoid Apple supporters at all costs. It appears that his life is depending on it.