|-The Deluded Informer, April 14th, 1999-|
By Philip Shearing:
|Wrestlers forced to take anger management courses|
New York, New York: Wrestling, one of the largest segments of the sports-entertainment industry, is reacting to a law imposed Friday, ordering all wrestlers to take anger management courses, in hopes of finding peaceful ways to resolve their anger.
Wrestlers have often been known to pummel their opponents to a state of near-death, before pinning them to the mat for a 3-count. According to anti-violence groups, this projects a negative message to children, inciting them to carry out violence on those around them.
"This just has to stop. Last week on WWF Raw is War, the Undertaker chokeslammed Ken Shamrock and then stepped on his neck!" said Anti-violence proponent Betty Veal. "That was pretty cool."
Wrestlers also threaten their opponents in pre-recorded clips, flexing their steroid-enhanced muscles, and screaming incoherently. The anger management courses should help them to explain their position without resorting to screaming, according to psychologists.
"My dear friend Mankind...I did not like the way you kicked me in the back last week on Raw," said Owen Hart, WWF veteran. "That hurt me: physically, mentally, and emotionally. I demand an apology." Hart then wiped a tear from his eye with a tiny, pink hankerchief.
Bill Clinton explained the government`s position on Saturday during his State of the Union address. "We can`t just let Wrestling depict violence on television, for our nation`s youth to see," said Clinton. "Everybody knows that the evening news does a fine job of that already."
Management of the two main wrestling associations, the WWF and the WCW, have demanded that the new laws be stricken from Federal law.
"Listen, Janet Reno," said Vince McMahon, C.E.O. of WWF Enterprises, in an afternoon press conference. "I`LL KICK YOUR WHITE TRASH, POLITICAL, LEFT-WING CANDYASS IF YOU DON`T CHANGE THE LAW!!!" McMahon concluded the press conference by smashing his fist through a table, before he got hit over the head by a metal chair wielded by Ted Turner. The referee did not see the incident.
If the new law stays in effect, wrestling may have to hurry to "get with the times" and to stay under the law. WCW has begun a test-run of a new segment for their "Monday Nitro" show, involving Ballroom Dancing. The WWF declined to comment on their new approach to the show, although rumours say that it will include gardening tips, figure skating lessons, and reviews of the latest fashion trends.
Sources from the third world declined to comment, since their countries are starving and are far too busy to be occupied with such important matters.
What are you going to do, when the lawmakers run wild on you?
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