|-The Deluded Informer, Thursday October 15th-|
By Louis Cyr:
|Student claims "My hemp plant wanted me to smoke it"|
By Dan Milton:Baffled students at the Pabos Senior High were taken aback by the comments of their fellow classmate Mr. Kurt MacNab last Friday when he appeared in class in an absent minded state, staring blankly into space as if he was "brain-dead".
Students noticed Kurt was fifteen minutes late for his eleven o'clock class when a barely audible knocking noise was heard on the unlocked door to the classroom. The teacher immediately stopped the lesson she was teaching on how to properly pet a dog to answer the door. She was shocked to see that Kurt, still wearing his Kurt Cobain pyjamas, was leaning against the wall and appeared to be in a state of interest. For he had actually brought a partly chewed pen to class along with a single sheet half scribbled with Satanic references. This would have been, according to Miss Parker, " The best step that he had ever taken in his lame struggle at attempting to learn something, if it had not been for the mentally distressed state he was in."
She instantly carried him to his habitual seat in the far corner of the room to the constant applause of the other boys and girls in the local. The acts of praise were of course for Kurt who had made it two his first Friday class since the beginning of the semester.
As Mr. MacNab attempted to speak Miss Parker, the luscious and extremely sexy educator as the dean of the school Mr. Watts stated, made out the following utterances before she encouraged him to stop trying to speak, " I was all by myself in my room when my hemp plant said in a very soft, convincing, and hypnotising voice, ‘smoke me Kurt, you can do it... just role up a large motherfuckin' doobie and take a few large fuckin' halls man. I know that your little scrawny body wants it so just light up and inhale you filthy bastard.' " The teacher promptly came to the conclusion that he was speaking the truth for Kurt was unable to put two sentences together before without at least a few weeks practice.
This strange and unexplainable phenomenon which has taken place has since been on the minds of scientists everywhere, "Can plants really speak?" wonders Gerald Forn, director of the Los Angeles Institute for the Odd. "Personally I think that plants only speak on rare occasions, usually when you've smoked a large amount of cannabis, eaten hundreds of magic mushrooms, or popped a few acid." Mr. Forn proceeded to stick a blotter under his eyelid and smoke a big, fat blunt. "Damn, thats good."
In order to further understand what had taken place, Mr. Watts asked Kurt to have a sample of his blood donated to a group of underpaid and desperate researchers. No conclusive evidence that Kurt might have lying was found but the examiners were concerned about the iron and vitamin deficiency in Kurt's blood as well as the extremely high level of sugar and THC. They in turn encouraged him to eat something for a change and lay off the hallucinogens.
This case is now being handled by a group know as "The Believers" and they are very optimistic in the capabilities of proving that some new and probably alien generated plant does exist. "We promise to find out why the plant chose to sacrifice itself to this young man's lungs. It just doesn't make sense."
Kurt's friends don't seem to care that he has been through such a traumatic experience. "He's a fucking burnout..." said Kenny Withers, who has known Kurt for "like...forever." "I've got no pity for that prick. Besides, he didn't share any with me, the asshole."
Marijuana, best friend and number one companion of Kurt MacNab.
©1998 The Deluded Informer. This is a Satirical publication, published twice a month, intended for humour only. All Rights Reserved.