New York City, NY: In a strange twist of fate, control of the world has been assumed by various different corporations. The Deluded Informer has been warned that we should not fear, for life will continue, nearly as before.

The shift in power occurred on Tuesday, with a ribbon cutting ceremony at the New York Hilton. The cutting of the red, silk ribbon symbolized the crushing of our independant governments by the corporations involved.

The takeover was a quick and relatively painless one. Mercenary soldiers and highly advanced cybernetic warriors from the future stormed the world's capital cities. Each nation's political groups were mercilessly detained, tortured, and killed. No politician was spared by the fierce pro-business storm troopers.

Amid all the bloodshed, the corporations didn't neglect to give guidance to the common people. National media in each country dictated the way "things are going to be" now that individual nations had no power. Also, in a brave showing of kindness, the corporations of the world offered to placate the worried citizens, by selling them assorted items.

Although the efficiency of the takeover was near perfect, it looks like the war isn't over yet. With Quaker Oats/Microsoft controlling Europe and Chrysler/Intel/Ford controlling North America, it appears that Asia has yet to be dominated. Political analyst George Iswell points out: "Subway is in a weak position, controlling China and a large part of Hong Kong. I think that Chrysler/Intel/Ford will be making a move for Asia in the near future."

The worldwide takeover was greeted with open arms by the people's of the world. A rally in L.A. condemning the corporate takeover occurred on Wednesday, with furious residents throwing stones at the Hollywood Hard Rock Cafe. Molotov cocktails and tear gas were offered to the protestors in hopes of calming them down, but to no avail. It took a whole pro-business death squad to resolve the incident, decimating the foolish citizens with bursts of fully automatic gunfire and cruise missiles. Happily, the over-zealous celebration was put to a stop, when the crowds dispersed in a bloody slaughter. This goes to show that resistance is futile after all.