By Johnathan Swift:I don't like to brag, but I am a great chef. I have no need for recipe books; I have no need for assistants; I can produce culinary wonders that would leave you reeling, shocked by how good they taste.

To be honest, part of my talent is in choosing the proper ingredients. Time has taught me to be conservative, with little or no seasoning. Mainly, I just stick with babies. They add a great tangy taste to all manners of food, including stir fry, soup, casseroles, and, best of all, stew.

You might think that I'm a sick bastard for cooking babies alive in order to make great stew: this is completely wrong! I kill them first, since it would be odd to hear screaming coming from the kitchen at my restaurant. I own a fine establishment frequented by many of the rich and famous, including Ann Landers herself. They all come for the food but stay for...you know it... the babies.

You might wonder what the future will hold for me: I am going to continue to offer this great, delicious food source, and revel in the wonders of cooking the youngest of treasures...babies.