-The Deluded Informer, Issue 2 of 2nd Edition [access our archive]
Commentary: I Can Spell Like The Winds

By Hughson Longstaff III: Every artist is eventually bound to find his Medium. Some take longer than others to seize their niche, and establish a form of communication to best express their views. Many use literature, while others favour the visual arts, music, or, at worst, television. I am not one of those people, for I can Spell with the best of them.

Albert Einstein was a brilliant man. He could solve almost any equation--the world was at his feet. For fuck's sakes, he practically Invented the Atomic bomb. Even so, could he spell "chlorofluorocarbons"? I seriously doubt it. I'm sure that he would stick an O where it didn't belong. That is because he is not a Speller. I am a Speller.

You would think that the public would admire my continual efforts at furthering the craft of spelling, by wooing me with lavish gifts or Chia Pets. They must surely love what I do, right? Wrong. They ignore me, even though I can spell a lot of words, including "dominatrix" and "hedonist" without breaking a sweat. In the past 12 years, I have toiled in relative obscurity. Nobody wants to foot the bill to help support my creative gift.

This artist is starving. I've even been refused funding by the National Council For Literacy. They rejected my modest request for an automobile with no less than 6 cylinders and $50,000 dollars in Canadian Tire Money. Philistines. Can you spell that word without re-reading my previous sentence? I thought so.

And so, I will bravely carry my standard through this muddy battlefield, continually prolonging my existence in the Spelling universe. My competitors are fierce. Jim Booyah, the American National Spelling Bee champion, is reportedly working on a new repertoire, and he will be a potent foe. Believe me, I have seen him spell with his arms tied in double knots, while drinking directly from a Brita water filter.

You will soon hear of my amazing abilities, these obtuse qualities that allow me to spell all manner of words without the help of my trusty spellchecker. Yes, I will have to look deep within myself if I am to wield this gift that fate has burdened me with--the uncanny power of Spelling, in all it's pompous glory. I shall prevail, and my face will one day grace the cover of Webster's New English Dictionary.

[Ed. Anyone who wants to donate funds to help support Mr. Longstaff's pursuits can contact us. We will be glad to help release this beautiful art into the world.]

Hughson's mind is a veritable dictionary, and not one of those damned abridged ones.

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