|-The Deluded Informer, Tuesday December 22th-|
By Philip Shearing:
|Anti-Spam Laws passed in America|
Washington, D.C.: Millions of Americans are celebrating today because of a law passed by Congress over on Sunday--it has made the production and sale of Spam illegal. Spam is a mechanically-separated-meat product made by the Hormel Company.
Congressmen voted 154-32 in favor of making Spam illegal. The law was proposed by Sen. Bill Archer (R-TX) and was the shortest discussion in Congress history, next to the Marijuana Prohibition bill, which passed in under 2 minutes.
Spam has been the target of controversy lately, mainly over its use as a mailbox filler. Gangs of hoodlums have been sneaking up on people`s mailboxes at night, filling them with the not-so-tasty meat product, then fleeing the scene of the crime.
"Finally, justice has been served," said Sen. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL), after the law passed. "Americans will be free from the curse of Spam, and all its negative side effects."
Hormel Foods Inc., the makers of Spam, have protested the law, and are pursuing a legal case in defense of their product. Hormel`s P.R. department held a press conference on Tuesday outlining their legal claims.
"These laws infringe on the rights of good, law-abiding Americans, who enjoy eating our meat by-products," said Dick Denver, spokesman for Hormel Foods Inc. "And about the side effects, there is no solid link between Spam consumption and severe obesity."
Ordinary citizens seem to have mixed opinions on whether the anti-spam law will be positive or not. "I am thankful for this legislation," said Jim Midrenge, Postal worker. "No more fucking Spam in my precious mailboxes--beautiful, pristine, metal mailboxes, safe from the destructive tendencies of the pink, sick, twisted killer--SPAM!!!" Midrenge then opened fire on a School bus with a semi-automatic pistol.
The law may have some medical benefits as well. Spam consumers have been known to suffer bouts of depression, nausea, Schizophrenia, and, in high doses, death.
Hormel Foods Inc. saw a massive drop in its stock on Monday, with it settling at a low of 3 and 1/4. Hopeful investors who were stuck with the stock are dreaming of a recovery. "I`m sure those crafty Hormel boys have something up their sleeves," said Investor Van Lahen, at the NYSE Building. "If not, I`m seriously fucked--I bought 500,000 shares on Friday."
Long time fans of Spam are gearing up for a long drought. Stores were rushed by thousands of Spam afficionados Sunday, after the law had been passed. Numerous amounts of hillbillies were seen lugging hundreds of cans of the lunch meat to their pick-up trucks. "I got me sum of that there Spam," said Jimbo Smith, Monster Truck fan. "God bless Spam--and all the little critters that go into makin` it."
The can is there to `hold in the spam`.
©1998 The Deluded Informer. This is a Satirical publication, published twice a month, intended for humour only. All Rights Reserved.