|-The Deluded Informer, Tuesday November 24th-|
By Philip Shearing:
|Russians find creative uses for devalued ruble|
Moscow, Russia:In a sign of the hard economic times that are ailing Russian, citizens of the once proud country have begun to find new uses for their worthless ruble. The ruble is the currency of the Russian Federation and is said to be worth somewhere close to "jack squat."
Instead of spending a hundred thousand rubles to buy a coat, Russian Inventor Yeshenev Shiplakov found a novel solution; he wove a coat out of rubles. "It is pretty warm, the coat is--well, it is better than the potato sack that I wore before," said Shiplakov, pausing to take a swig of paper vodka. "My wife really liked my idea; she now uses rubles to pad her bra."
Other inventive Russians have discovered new and wonderful uses for their national currency. Eyewitness accounts have been sketchy at best but a U.N. Emergency team submitted reports last week of citizens using rubles as bedding material, writing paper, and as roofing material for their tar paper shacks.
Russian president Boris Yeltsin seems happy that his citizens have become so industrious, and is confident that Russia will survive this economic turmoil. In a press conference, he said, "Where is Waldo? I need some--vodka--help me mother--Go away you communist bastards!" He then began a fit of coughing that lasted several minutes. The press conference ended on a sad note, with Mr. Yeltsin making an attempt to leave the room by entering a broom closet.
Russian industry is taking notice of these new developments and reacting immediately. Vlad Markoff, Marketing Manager of Kremlin Meats Inc., had this to say; "We have followed in the footsteps of our North American cousins, making hotdogs the American way--by using 10% meat and 90% paper! In this case, we are using rubles. Da!"
Thankfully, it appears that the IMF will be sending a bail-out plan to support the troubled Russian economy. IMF president Tom Lees said, "We are going to help the Russians in the best way we know possible--we are going to send them our O-Pee-Chee Premiere Collector's Edition Hockey cards. This should give their economy some worth and raise the value of their ruble."
American economists are skeptical about the bail-out plan. "Why should we even help them anyways?" said Mark Anthony, analyst for Bear-Stearns. "I mean, what have they ever done for the world besides inventing Tetris? Let Boris Baddanov and his crowd fend for themselves, dammit!" said the crafty American, as he lit a cuban cigar with a hundred dollar bill.
Desperate Russians, once the proud inventors of the game Tetris, have sunk to a low level.
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