-The Deluded Informer, Issue 2 of 2nd Edition- [access our archive]
By John Schuller:

Catholic Church Slashes Over 900 Jobs to Improve Profit

Vatican City: News from the Vatican City today has sent shock waves throughout the entire Catholic community. Vince Gino, chief spokesman for Pope John Paul II, announced in a press conference late last night that the budget cuts that had been implemented last year did not go deep enough and that a more severe approach will be needed in order to keep the Church solvent.

Gino stated that due to the current unforeseen financial situation, downsizing will be necessary and that more than 900 pink slips have already been mailed. "I know this sounds brutal but we need to begin trimming some excess fat from our payroll and we need to do it immediately. Heads will roll, and I know that’s unfortunate but if the church is to survive we must take decisive action now," Gino said. He also stated that relief efforts in earthquake ravaged India will feel the pinch as well, as food and medicinal supplies are to be cut in half.

Much of the bloodletting will be felt in the Vatican City itself, with over 200 lay workers and souvenir sales people getting the ax. Outside the Vatican some 700 Nuns, and Priests from locals as far away as Calcutta to Calgary will be dumped off the pay role.

"I couldn’t be more shocked if I found a condom dispenser in the St. Pauls Cathedral men’s room," say’s Father Brendan O’Groom, who oversees Catholic missionaries in the South Pacific. "The budget cuts were devastating enough," the bewildered priest lamented. "Last week I toured a leper colony in the Solomon Islands and I was shocked to find out that they hadn’t received any medicine or even bandages in over 6 months. It was a horror show, there were lepers walking around with open maggot infested sores and limbs just a dangling, ready to fall off. And now they want to downsize?"

Sources inside the Vatican claim the blame rests squarely on the Pope himself, saying that he mismanaged revenues by investing foolishly. "He lost his shirt in tech stocks last year and now everybody’s paying the price," said Father ----- who wished to remain anonymous. "A few days ago he threw his lap-top out the window and into the Tiber River in a fit of rage, just screaming and hollering, ‘Amazon dot bullshit, Amazon dot bullshit’ over and over again and he was ranting something about interest rates and Allan Greenspan being a heretic and well, he said a few things I probably shouldn’t repeat," said the distressed priest.

Meanwhile, around the globe, men and women of the Church nervously await the arrival of the dreaded pink slip. Their faith shall see them through these hard times.

It's hard to sing when you're about to get fired.

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