[an error occurred while processing this directive]
-The Deluded Informer, Tuesday October 27th-
By Philip Shearing:

Study determines "Oxygen is Poisonous"

Harvard, Massachusetts:A study at Harvard Medical School has determined that oxygen, an element making up 17% of the world's air, in "poisonous". A notice has been issued by the American Medical Association, warning people "not to breathe".

The 3 year study, involving hundreds of specimens and thousands of people of Portuegese descent, determined that oxygen was responsible for many of the deaths reported annually. "For years, we've been condemning cigarettes, fatty foods, and heroin, yet the main culprit behind the death rate is...no other than oxygen."

Graduate student Harvey Wellings offered this suggestion: "Try holding your breath, and then gradually, ween yourself off oxygen." Since the press conference, Pfizer has begun marketing an "oxygen patch", intended to cure people of their addiction to air: it administers frequent doses of oxygen, at a fairly steady rate, before dropping off, leaving people free from their unhealthy preoccupation to oxygen. Since animal testing is politically incorrect and "bad for business", Pfizer hasn't tested the patch. They released it to the market yesterday.

Reactions to the study's findings have been varied: thousands of people have been flocking to Tokyo, when the oxygen content of the air is quite low, in an effort to avoid the debiliating effects of oxygen. Citizens of Iceland, homeland of Bjork, have reportedly been holding their heads under water, in a vain attempt at breathing as little as possible.

Researcher Rory Mate, author of "Pizza: Hidden Kiler" and "Frosted Flakes: Lethal Cereal Product", has his doubts about the severity of the oxygen dillemma. "Come on...they've been telling us that oxygen was harmful for years. I never stopped breathing, and look at me!" He is visually aging, with his hair going grey, and his head nearly bald.

Like it or not, it appears that this "oxygen curse" will be with us indefinately. The Deluded Informer reminds you that certain forms of bacteria don't require oxygen: our advice to you is to stop breathing, die, and allow them to decompose your rotting corpse. This is the only viable option, if life is to survive on this crazy world of ours. "Goodbye cruel world...I will never forgive you..." gasped Bill Clinton, as he received his last ever blowjob from a newly initiated intern.

Heroin needle
Now that oxygen is poisonous, we might as well take heroin, to ease the pain.

1998 The Deluded Informer. This is a Satirical publication, published twice a month, intended for humour only. All Rights Reserved.