|December 8th, 1998 -Issue 4, Version 1- [articles archive]|
Buying Products is "the Key to Happiness"
Thanks to the good people of the advertising industry, people everywhere are discovering the true meaning of life--owning as many objects as possible.
Right: If you are seeking true happiness, head for the nearest shopping mall, pronto.
Brave Police Dog Eats Criminal
An attempted robbery was foiled on Wednesday and the citizens of Los Angeles have Sprinkles the police dog to thank. Sprinkles, a 4 year old German Shepherd, committed this act of honor by eating the dastardly criminal whole.
Right: Sprinkles, the brave little German Shepherd who ate a naughty criminal.
Special Report--Sesame Street Sex Scandal
The pre-school community is reeling today over this weekend’s distorted rumors concerning the PBS show "Sesame Street". Longtime children’s favorite "Big Bird" was arrested early Sunday morning by local officials on charges of sexual harassment and muppet molestation. Attorneys have cautioned the tall yellow feathered bird to keep quiet for the time being until children everywhere have coped with the ordeal.
Right: Elmo has filed a lawsuit against Big Bird on charges of "sexual misconduct".
Russians find creative uses for devalued ruble
In a sign of the hard economic times that are ailing Russian, citizens of the once proud country have begun to find new uses for their worthless ruble. The ruble is the currency of the Russian Federation and is said to be worth somewhere close to "jack squat."
Right: The Russian Ruble, worth less than the metal it is made from.
Commentary:I am the Harbormaster
Survey:Does this "turn you on"?
Results of Survey:Does Hamburger Helper Really Help?
Cartoon o' the Week:Our Dominant Culture
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