|-The Deluded Informer, April Fools Edition-|
By Philip Shearing:
|Old Dirty Bastard Arrested Yet Again|
New York, New York:For the 50th time this year, famed Rapper Old Dirty Bastard has been arrested yet again, this time for jaywalking. ODB was caught on Tuesday by NYPD officers as he crossed Broadway Avenue while eating an ice cream cone, and immediately was arrested.
"This guy has got to be kidding," said Captain Lou Albano, leader of the NYPD Detective Unit. "Does he think we have all the time in the world? Christ. We have criminals to hunt. He's always doing crimes!"
Old Dirty Bastard has been caught for a number of offenses in recent weeks, including burning leaves without a permit, hitchhiking, walking barefoot on a highway, selling alcohol to a minor, disturbing of the peace, and for inciting a riot which devastated a suburban shopping mall.
"Yo! It not be like 'dat, niggaz!" said ODB in a press conference on Wednesday. "I just be eatin' my Hagen-Daaz when these bitches be all on my ass! Whassup wit' 'dat you stinkin' pigs? They's even took my freakin' ice-cream treat!"
NYPD Police headquarters stated that ODB will be held temporarily in custody, until a court case is scheduled. They also maintained that the ice cream treat was not removed from his custody--it had simply melted beyond practical consumption, and was taken so as not to "make a mess".
ODB's lawyers are seeking to file charges against the police, for unnecessary brutality and discomfort to their client. "The police had no right to arrest Old Dirty Bastard," said Howard Cohen., famed trial lawyer. "They were simply targeting him because of his high profile...that and his committing of crimes, I guess."
Representatives of the Wu-Tang, ODB's vaunted rap group, issued this statement. "Yo! Yo! Yo! Shoutin' out to Brooklyn! Let our people's go or we get nasty on yo' ass! Wu Tang forever!"
Mr. Rogers, children's television show host and friend of ODB, denied that Old Dirty Bastard is a criminal. "He is just the sweetest guy I know. He even wears cardigans JUST like me." He then proceeded to put on a purple cardigan and sing his "Neighbour song." He then opened up his '45, popped in a clip, and ran out the door, screaming.
Old Dirty Bastard's music career is yet again a question mark. Before his arrest, ODB was rumoured to be planning a series of concerts with pop group the Backstreet Boys, with Hanson as the opening act. He also expressed intentions of performing a duet with Wesley Willis, Chicago schizophrenic street vagrant, who has released over 10 albums. Willis was best know for the popular single "Alanis Morisette". There is no word on whether the Y2K bug has any relevance in this situation whatsoever.
Old Dirty Bastard isn't really all that old.
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©1999 The Deluded Informer. This is a Satirical publication, published twice a month, intended for humour only. All Rights Reserved.