|-The Deluded Informer, Tuesday October 27th-
By Philip Shearing:
|Marilyn Manson pregnant: Bill Clinton Suspected|
New York, NY: As reported in yesterday's New York Times, Satanic glam rocker Marilyn Manson is pregnant: the father appears to be none other than Bill Clinton. The stunning revelation was revealed to a shocked America, yesterday, in a press conference. Reporters have already dubbed the scandal "Mansongate".
Marilyn Manson, glowing with maternal love, could barely conceal a smirk as reporters questioned him concerning the details. When asked who was the father, Mr. Manson simply replied, "Let's just say I got to be honorary 'intern for a day'." Upon further questioning, he admitted that the 'father' was U.S. president Bill Clinton.
"The president and I conceived this child sometime during our long, loving, torrid affair, which spanned several months." Although he declined to offer any more details concerning the tryst, he did state, "Just tell him to get over his perversions...cigars are too weird for me."
Sources at the White House have neither denied or confirmed the allegations. It appears that those who know the whole story fear revealing the truth, mainly because they don't want to ruin their political careers. "There is no way I'm covering for the president, one way or another," said Andy Ricker, political aide. "If he and Mr. Manson want to enjoy each other's company in the privacy of the Lincoln bedroom, I don't see why we should complain."
The president declined to comment, although he has reportedly told close friends he did not have sex with Mr. Manson. He could be replying honestly, assuming he is using Kenneth Starr's definition of sex: "Vaginal Intercourse between a man and woman". Even though the president is definately a man, Mr. Manson appears to be neither. He is rumoured to be uni-sex, capable of going "either way."
When asked how the child would be raised, Mr. Manson said, "My child will be brought up with strict values and a strong belief in Satan, in all his dark glory." He then began speaking in tongues, uttering a prayer to Beezelbub, dark prince of evil.
Political analyst Ben Frasier doesn't think this will hurt Clinton's position of power in Congress. "Although he will definately lose support of the fundamentalist, ultra-religious right, he will conversely gain support from the satanic members of congress, including House Speaker Newt Gingrich and the Honourable Mary Bono, wife of late congressman/entertainer Sonny Bono."
Marilyn Manson told reporters that he would be expecting in late July. He plans on delivering the baby himself, by using a combination of "time travel, drug induced coma, and Kabalistic numerology." The Deluded Informer wishes the reverend the best of luck in his pregnancy, and reminds you that there is a moral to this sordid tale: Presidents of the U.S. and people named Marilyn don't mix. Monica Lewinsky declined to comment on the Manson scandal.
Marilyn Manson, post-apocalyptic glam rocker, is expecting Bill Clinton's love child.
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