Los Angeles, California: Music is the ultimate symbol, stretching across all forms of media, and appealing to a wide variety of people. Many have said that "all music is artistic", from the screaming atmospherics of Sonic Youth to the crotch-fixated melodies of Lionel Ritchie. Sadly, this is not the case for Limp Bizkit. The jock-rap-rock formula they employ is tired, and the only explanation for their popularity is simple--"Limp Bizkit fans lack intelligence".

There has been some putrid noise passing itself off as music in the past. For example, much of the "Hair Metal" of the 1980's had little or no artistry to it. Also, Kenny G's horrible songs have been used to drive out terrorists in such far away venues as Lebanon and Libya. However, nothing has ever descended to the lack of effort or tact that Limp Bizkit has. They are out there, somewhere, right now, wasting precious oxygen on their blatantly horrible lyrics.

Analysis of their lyrics proves to be illuminating, at least in proving that they are a worthless commercialized piece of sonic drivel. "I did it all for the Nookie / so you can take that Cookie / and stick it up your ass" raps Durst, lead "singer" of the band. Bereft of talent, Durst may have been dropped down a set of stairs as a child. There is little other way to explain his obvious mental problems.

And what does the man on the street think? If he's a Limp Bizkit fan, not too much. "I like his red hat...it's cool how he turns it around. That proves that he's, like, an artist." said Limp Bizkit devotee Rich Fallingcourt. "And he shops at the Gap!" The interview was conducted at a suburban food court, where Rich often "hangs with (his) 'dawgs' and 'peeps' the 'fly hos.'" Rich's parents are chartered accountants, earning a combined salary of over $120,000 per year.

Even some of today's "throwaway" pop stars are growing tired of the mess that is called Limp Bizkit. "They're just really, really bad. And coming from me, that is really a sad thing to say," said pop diva Britney Spears, whose artistic output dwarfs Limp Bizkit's. "I'd rather listen to the sounds coming from my fucking washing machine!"

Limp Bizkit defended their musical prowess in a Monday interview with the Deluded Informer. "Listen, we do what we do. Wanna hate us? Go ahead," said Durst, before he became distracted by the little red flashing light on this reporter's tape recorder. A large gob of drool seeped from his mouth as his eyes stared lifelessly.

"Since their record sales are among the best on Billboard's album chart, the only explanation is that their fans are stupid," said Moses Znaimer, music guru and owner of MuchMusic. "It's just a damned shame."

There remains hope for those inflicted with a desire to listen to Limp Bizkit. Experts have been assigned with the responsibility of deprogramming many of the youths, in an effort to remind them that they are not hip, urban gangstas who should be feared, but more like a gang of misfits from the suburbs.

Philip Shearing, Editor of the Deluded Informer, thinks that some are being too harsh with the fans of Limp Bizkit. "Hey, give them a chance," he cautioned. "At least they're not listening to the Vengaboys!"