|-The Deluded Informer, Issue 1 of 2nd Edition- [access our archive]|
By Philip Shearing:
|Teenage Girl Reports Howie D. Is "Sooo Cute"|
Butte, Montana: Thousands of reporters were flocking to Butte, Montana today for the media event of the century. They were there to record a startling revelation made by 13 year old student Becky Williams. "Howie D. is sooo cute," she announced, amid a flurry of questions. Many pundits have been predicting this for years, but now some hard evidence has come into the light.
This surprising concept was only hinted at in the past, scrawled on scribblers, binders, notebooks, and written in letters that are all folded funny. But now, we are seeing a first person account of what some had been maintaining all along--that Howie D., 25 year old singer of Backstreet Boys, is as cute as fuck.
"I just knew it," said Edna Gaye, a 15 year old from Milwaukee. "Like, a few years ago my friends liked B.S.B...that's what my friends call the Backstreet Boys now...but they told me this year that now N*Sync was what I was supposed to like...so now I'm confused."
Many of the nations leaders are concerned that this news has been leaked to the public. Some have even deployed their militaries in an attempt to restrain widespread panic. "The U.S. military is prepared to supress any rioting or disturbances, ya see" said Jimmy Bob Wheelie, Leader of the American Militia. "Georgie has given us Bigger Rifles!"
Howie D. was unable for comment. He is currently serving 6 months in Nevada State penitentiary for "physical assault", "public nudity" and "desecration of a public urinal" in an unnamed Las Vegas hotel.
"Would you say he's 'serious cute' or more 'tough cute'?" asked Connie Chung, correspondent for CBS news. Becky replied "EEEEK" before fainting. It appears that a member of popular boy band 98º walked by just as Ms. Chung asked the question. Becky returned to consciousness soon after, and replied "It's hard to say...He's just sooo cute!"
Many musical experts have been confused by the success of the "Boy Band" phenomenon. They are alarmed by the lack of "talent exhibited by these groups." Some have argued "at least the Beatles got better as they aged...these guys couldn't sing their way out of a paper bag."
This has not affected Becky's appreciation of Howie D.'s musical prowess. Hoisting a weatherbeaten "Backstreet's Back" single high in the air, she proclaimed "He's got, like, such nice eyes!"
Howie D. is way too old to be reading the comics section.
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