|-The Deluded Informer, Tuesday November 24th-|
|Commentary: I am the Harbormaster|
By Lord Ezekiel Twink III: Since the beginning of my life, people have failed to give credit to anything I say. I am aware that I have lead a more life-threatening existence than anybody else. Does this make me a screwed up sack Ďa shit? Why wonít you ignorant bastards believe me?! Everyone doubts the stories I narrate. Quite frankly, this makes me mad--in fact, at times, it drives me MENTAL!
Why, I ask, are you unable to believe that I am the Harbormaster? I am telling the truth--ask that old loser bum who spends his entire welfare check on video gambling! He is as good a reference as anybody. Dammit-- I AM the Harbormaster. Doubt me, and you risk death.
Can you even believe that when I told my classmates about how I saved the earth-- single-handedly--from an alien invasion, they mocked my efforts? This transpired while I was a stowaway aboard the Discovery Spacecraft. I was faced with a large dilemma. To save the Earth or not to save the Earth? That was my question. And I did. To my ungrateful surprise I was not given the honor and recognition I deserved. On the contrary--I was ridiculed and laughed at. DAMN YOU ALL!!!!! WHY DONíT YOU BELIEVE ME?
Oh yes!! There was the time that I ran myself over twice. When I finally came to, I was shot several times in the head. The blood was pouring out, like a violent discharge of sperm. Luckily I had my a pair of extraordinary scissors with me. I proceeded to shove the rusty dull blades of the tool into my skull and remove the bullets one by one. Luck was with me that day. I had no use for any anesthesia since I did not suffer a moment of pain during the ordeal. When I retold the event to friends, not one of those sorry-assed bastards believed me. I WILL BURY ALL OF THEM!
And I will never forget the time I walked on water. Fuck man--I walked on water--not a word of lie! When I told my miraculous actions to the people from my town, they laughed at me for months. My parents even suggested I seek some professional help. I will show them all! I speak the truth, damn you! Believe me, or face the consequences!
Letís not forget the time I ate five gorillas live. Holy shit--I almost forgot about that one. There were five large gorillas attacking this sweet old lady. I immediately came to her rescue. The only logical method of disposing of the ferocious beasts was to eat them whole. So, being the elderly-respecting, truth-speaking guy that I am, I ate them, all five. When I told this story to my barber, and his old burnt-out friends, they ridiculed me. Even that bitchy old lady denied the fact that I ate her way to safety. Fucking old farts--you suck!
To end this note on a quiet tone, I never lie!!!!!!! GO TO HELL ALL YOU NON BELIEVERS. I AM THE SECOND COMING OF CHIRST. I WILL destroy ALL WHO FAIL TO COMPREHEND MY DUTIES AND ACTIONS--YOU WILL SEE!!!!
I am the harbormaster, dammit! Believe me or I'll kill your family!
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©1998 The Deluded Informer. This is a Satirical publication, published twice a month, intended for humour only. All Rights Reserved.