Stanford, California: Researchers at Stanford University have stumbled upon a new discovery: "God doesn't fucking exist". They came to this conclusion during an experiment spanning several months, in which they prayed around the clock, waiting for an answer.

"He just isn't up there," said graduate student Henry Rallies, who was among the 54 students who participated in the study."We knelt until our knees were blistered, uttering hail mary's until our throats were hoarse,and still, he didn't give us any fucking signs. Not one!"

This isn't the first experiment of its kind: during the middle ages, devout worshippers used to ask God for salvation, redemption, or shelter from their enemies.To put it bluntly, they all died, unheard by the eternal being that, apparently, just isn't up there.

"I was always taught to believe that God existed. I remember the good old days, when I used to fear the everlasting fires of hell, the burning pit of stench and decay: those days are over," rambled Henry, while thumbing through a Reader's Digest.

Many christians, jews, muslims, and assorted other religions are devoting their time to new activities, such as war, crime, spreading disease, and producing talk shows.

Thankfully, our laws and governments are still in place, to keep the control out of the hands of the common people. We will still be able to surrender our rights and priviledges to those "above us", otherwise known as the "rich people". Perhaps we can begin worshipping their luxurious personalities, starting with Barbara Streisand: within the next year, we should begin hearing prayers aimed at 'babs'.

Despite the impending end of religion that is coming, Rabbi Menachem Goldwyn reminds us not to fear. "Do not worry, for we still have one driving force that unites us all: Yanni is still there, for us to hate...and hate him we shall."