|-The Deluded Informer, Tuesday November 24th-|
By Louis Cyr:
|Special Report--Sesame Street Sex Scandal|
Anytown, USA: The pre-school community is reeling today over this weekend’s distorted rumors concerning the PBS show "Sesame Street". Longtime children’s favorite "Big Bird" was arrested early Sunday morning by local officials on charges of sexual harassment and muppet molestation. Attorneys have cautioned the tall yellow feathered bird to keep quiet for the time being until children everywhere have coped with the ordeal.
The Independent muppet, Snuffalupagus, has been investigating allegations of unprofessional conduct by Big Bird for several years. He is in the process of writing a manuscript that will depict the naughty sexual details of Big Bird’s unwholesome lifestyle. Some of these intimate actions will astonish many individuals, as they involve members of the Sesame Street cast.
"I will not entice the public with my research just yet, but I will state that for some time now Big Bird has developed a certain craving for Cuban cigars--if ya smell what this muppet is cooking," quoted the orange elephant-creature during a press conference.
The alleged victim of Big Bird’s antics is the newly initiated muppet Elmo, who admitted to the Cookie Monster of having "indecent incidents," with Big Bird. Elmo was unaware at the time that Cookie Monster was wearing a bug and was conspiring against Big Bird along with Snuffalupagus.
This much anticipated document by Snuffalupagus is rumored to have cost millions in lawyer’s fees, investigation costs, as well as expensive printing paper. Snuffalupagus is computer illiterate and wastes single paper sheets by the thousands.
"This has to be the greatest event of the millennium," quoted Oprah Winfrey. "Can you imagine the ratings my show will take in when all those ignorant, white-trash, hillbilly, feminist women watch my special on the Sesame Street affair? You better, baby!"
In addition, miserly billionaire Rupert Murdoch, owner of FOX, will air a one hour documentary on "When muppets attack." The show targets the uneducated who have time to waste watching the FOX network. Furthermore, Hustler plans to release, by December, an adult-rated dramatization of the scandal titled, "BIG BIRD." Females everywhere will be educated on the matter.
Elmo will reportedly receive eight billion dollars in emotional damages if he wins his lawsuit against Big Bird. This news has led to other muppets coming forward with their own allegations, including, the famed duo, Bert and Ernie. They claim that Big Bird performed improper conduct against their will. Lawyers are skeptical about the validity of Bert and Ernie’s case; "Bert and Ernie don’t have a leg to stand on. It is obvious that they are homosexuals, but are by no means into bestiality."
The actions of snuffalupagus are labeled as politically motivated. He was supposedly offered a large sum of money by the producers of Power Rangers. This show has been trying for years to be number one in the hearts of kids. By humiliating the star of Sesame Street, the Power Rangers may actually attain their objective.
It seems the entire world patiently awaits the results of Snuffalupagus’s inquiry. Individuals interested in the case will be able to obtain a copy for only $99.99 in bookstores everywhere. Although this may seem as a waste of precious time and money, it will be educational. That is, we will at last know what gender those muppets are.
Elmo is suing Big Bird for 8 billion dollars on charges of molestation.
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©1998 The Deluded Informer. This is a Satirical publication, published twice a month, intended for humour only. All Rights Reserved.