|-The Deluded Informer, Tuesday, November 10th-
By Louis Cyr:
|Man records largest "dump" ever|
Gaspé, Quebec: Local bricklayer Darren Stailfoot shocked the world today by taking the largest "dump" ever accomplished by a human being. This momentous occasion was recorded live, for posterity, by television cameras, radio coverage, and the Guiness Book of World Records. Stailfoot, aged 21 years old, proved that fiber is truly "the food that makes the bowels move," by filling a bathtub with his own human excrement.
The ordeal lasted approximately five hours in which Mr. Stailfoot took several breaks to clean his filthy "poop-infested" buttocks. "It was all worth it," Dale told Guiness Records president Harold Brown when his name was finally inscribed in the world famous book. "I had been trying for years to attain this honor and today I am the happiest man in the world," Dale muttered, as he was being treated for dehydration.
Stailfoot’s previous attempts at filling his bathtub with human waste in the past 3 years had always failed, to his disappointment. He suspected that the reason for his lack of success during the previous attempts was, "an insufficient intake of proper fiber." He told reporters," I used to eat twelve bowls of Kellogg’s pure fiber along with ten helpings of homemade baked beans; I would follow this with several boxes of high fiber granola bars per day." This process would go on for several weeks at a time, non-stop.
Stailfoot harshly criticized Quaker Oats Inc. for their lack of fiber in their products. He went on to add that his days of purposely missing out on a few urges to defecate, in hopes that the next one would be much larger, were over.
Dale "saw the light" one day when he lunched at McDonald’s. He had ordered the Big Mac trio and told commentators that he never had a such a large "dump." Since then Gaspé’s McDonald’s manager, Kenneth Hole stated, " We often are not able to supply enough of our world renowned dish because Dale devours so many of them." Tailfoot has reportedly offered a massive amount of cash for the recipe of the Big Mac, which is composed of 90 percent fiber and 10 percent meat-byproducts.
Since October 19, Dale is said to have eaten more than 500 Big Macs, which is the sole reason for his recent success. He was unable to tell reporters what the exact toppings for the burger are but exclaimed in great joy, "It is the food of the gods." We at the Deluded Informer seriously doubt this claim, but to each his own.
Dale is said to be recuperating well and will soon be appearing in the upcoming McDonald’s advertisement, "Big Macs: Fiber-licious." We wish him well with his future and sincerely hope that no one tries to break his record.
Note: The Deluded Informer wanted to publish a photograph of Mr. Stailfoot’s dump, but were unable to fit it all in one picture, without using a wide angle lens camera.
Dale Stailfoot, world record holder of "largest human dump."
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