|-The Deluded Informer, Tuesday November 24th-
By Philip Shearing:
|Brave Police Dog Eats Criminal|
Los Angeles, California: An attempted robbery was foiled on Wednesday and the citizens of Los Angeles have Sprinkles, the police dog, to thank. Sprinkles, a 4 year old German Shepherd, committed this act of honor by eating the dastardly criminal whole.
The incident occurred at 4:32 PM, at a sidewalk grocery store. Criminal Jesse Valens had been in the process of trying to steal a loaf of bread for his hungry family. Luckily, K-9 Officer Jerry Walhert and his police dog were on the scene. Sprinkles lept on top the attempted criminal, mauling and biting him repeatedly.
During the mauling, a crowd gathered to gawk at the event, in true voyeuristic fashion. "It was horrible. There was blood everywhere...I don't think I will ever pet a dog again..." said startled onlooker Betty Dalhmer. The crowd did not attempt to call for help, since they probably knew that justice was being served.
L.A. Police Chief Bernard C. Parks had this to say: "We commend the actions of Sprinkles and are proud to announce that he has been promoted to the acting rank of 'Corporal'." Police Chief Parks presented Sprinkles with a commendation of valour, in reward for his noble pursuit of justice.
Animal rights activists have been protesting the commendation of Sprinkles. "Giving Sprinkles the acting rank of corporal places alot of stress on the poor little guy. I think they should have kept him at his present rank for awhile longer," said Jim Wenders, president of the S.P.C.A. "Also, the policeman should on duty should have stopped Sprinkles from making a meal of the little boy...human flesh is much too high in cholesterol. This could cause Sprinkles to suffer from indigestion."
The makers of Pedigree Dog Food celebrated the actions of Sprinkles yesterday, by rewarding him with their seal of excellence. Sprinkles accepted the honour, barking and growling at the young school children that were present in the ceremony.
Leonard and Gracie Valens, grieving parents of the digested criminal, were saddened by the whole affair. "We are quite sorry that Jesse carried out this horrible crime...I don't know what we could have done wrong...I guess it must have been the violent television that he used to watch," said Mrs. Valens, in a tearful press conference. "I know that what Sprinkles did might be considered wrong by some...but, oh well, its time to move on."
Store owner Dave Welder thanks his lucky stars that Sprinkles was on the scene. "What a cute doggie you are, aren't you? Come here and...AHHHHEHHHA!" said Mr. Welder to Sprinkles, just as he too was mauled and bitten. He escaped with only a few bruises and a mangled arm.
The Deluded Informer would like to remind its readers that animals can be deadly. Keep far from them at all times, and try to avoid smearing yourself with bacon fat.
Above: Sprinkles, the brave police dog who ate a criminal for a snack on Wednesday
©1998 The Deluded Informer. This is a Satirical publication, published twice a month, intended for humour only. All Rights Reserved.