|-The Deluded Informer, Tuesday December 8th-|
By Philip Shearing:
|Buying Products is "the Key to Happiness"|
Los Angeles, California:Thanks to the good people of the advertising industry, people everywhere are discovering the true meaning of life--owning as many objects as possible.
In the past, citizens of the world were forced to resort to low-tech, ignorant ways of gaining happiness--by interacting with family and friends, taking up hobbies, and by looking inward to develop a sense of spirituality.
Today, in our modern, hi-fi world, we have finally discovered that happiness is just a product away. Numerous commercials broadcast in all forms of media are spreading the good news--"buy, and ye shall find happiness".
"We encourage you to buy things, not because you need them, nor because they are important, but mainly because they will make you happy," said John F. Welsh, C.E.O.© of General Electric, parent company of NBC. "Don't forget--the holiday season is coming, so get those credit cards ready!"
The disfunctional family of the 90's is growing more common everywhere, with divorce rates on the rise each year. It appears that the solution to this growing problem has been around all along--to purchase products, use them briefly, and then to purchase some more.
"The beauty of our commercial society is the simplicity that comes with it," said Warren Parell, Industry Analyst. "For example, you can watch subliminal advertising of a G.E.© stove, on NBC, a G.E.©-owned channel, using your trusty G.E.© television. It's a venture capitalist's dream!"
Consumers seem to agree with the corporate belief that buying is the point of life--sales for the month of November have risen 15%, mostly due to people's growing dissolution with other means of acquiring happiness. "What's the point of introspection? I can easily make myself happier by buying a new car," said Elma Hayes, lawyer and mother of 3. "Screw family connections--I am much more content relaxing in my new E-Z-Boy©."
Environmental activists are skeptical of consumption's benefits to the human condition. They argue that our consumer-focused society will ruin the environment and waste all of the earth's resources. According to Bill Gates, C.E.O. of Microsoft©, they're, "a bunch of left-wing hippy whackos."
"These environmental cranks say that you can't buy happiness," said Bill Gates, in an interview with the staff of the Deluded Informer©. "Obviously, they haven't been shopping at Office Depot©. They could have bought happiness--in the form of an Compaq© Presario, running Windows© 98!"
U.S. President Bill Clinton made his views known concerning commercialism in his "State of the Union Address" earlier this year. "I believe it is the fundamental right of every single American to have the freedom to choose to buy whatever product he or she wishes, and to buy that product at a fair price. Our founding fathers surely intended this when they founded the United States of America©."
On a related note, the United States of America© has been acquired by the Sony Corporation of America©. Details of this merger will follow in the next edition of the Deluded Informer©.
Sony Corporation of America© is an investor in The Deluded Informer© and invites all consumers to buy as much as possible, to satiate your meaningless existence in the pathetic struggle we call life.
Buying this playstation would make you alot happier.
©1998 The Deluded Informer. This is a Satirical publication, published twice a month, intended for humour only. All Rights Reserved.