|-The Deluded Informer, Issue 1 of 2nd Edition- [access our archive]|
By Philip Shearing:
|Taste Test Panel Unable to Distinguish Between Bush, Gore|
Pierrefonds, Canada:As a nation of cola drinkers, America has always prided itself as having impeccable taste in such fine items as Texas Round Steak, California Wine, and laminated wall hangings. But now a recent study done by Waterhouse Group has uncovered a shocking truth that may split America at the very core--Americans cannot distinuish between Bush and Gore in taste tests.
Yes, even though Bush hails from the "lone star" state, America's most expansive trailer park, Americans cannot distinguish him from Gore when blindfolded and administered a dose of each. Gore could be called his diametric opposite--a New England ambulance-chaser whose father was a governor, who is said to have a more sugary, less-watered down taste--and this is leaving political pundits stumped.
"How could people not choose Gore? asked Myron Souffe, political expert. "I can tell the difference--Bush has more bubbles."
Bush and Gore have been sponsoring countless numbers of events lately in efforts to sway their target markets and to attract more attention to themselves. Last week, Gore bought pez dispensers for 300 suburban albinos with his brand marked clearly on the front. Bush responded by funding the deportal of 400 mexican migrant workers.
"Gore is definately looking to the youth for his support," said Barbara Williams, public relations consultant. "But the rumours that he accused Bush of being laced with coke are totally unfounded."
Students of American Politics are beginning to wonder when this is going to end. "First they bombard us with one slogan...'Always Bush'...and then we're exposed to another one like 'Gore One...all the taste with half the calories,'" complained Billy Viaduce, 3rd year Poli. Sci. student at Harvard. "Can't we just resolve the damned question? Who tastes better?! Gore or Bush?"
Canadians are unconcerned with this epic problem, since it means nothing to their country. The top headlines in Canadian national newspapers were largely concerned with the upcoming marriage of "that guy from the mountie show" and "that girl who used to go out with Marilyn Manson". Apparently, Canada doesn't see this great divide as much of a problem.
"What the hell's the difference? We know who's got all the money...It's going to be one or the other," said Jill Powers, mother of 8. "It's just like when my Kenny comes home from work...we might as well lie down 'cause we're gonna get fucked anyway."
Bush has gone so far as to proclaim "I taste far superior to Gore and you, my fellow Americans, got the right one baby...uh huh." Ray Charles was not available for comment.
Americans cannot choose between the taste of Bush and Gore
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