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-The Deluded Informer, Thursday October 15th-
Commentary: Smokey the Bear can bite me

By Bob Wanka:I'm sure all of you are familiar with the cute, cuddly, "anti-forest fire" activist Smokey the Bear. This tame portrayal of nature's most ferocious beast has been chewing on a rock for years about the devastation caused by forest fires. It is obvious by his world renowned slogan, "Only you can prevent forest fires" that this brutish animal is incapable of accomplishing the task placed upon him.

I am aware that he is up in age and all, due to the fact that he recently celebrated his fiftieth birthday, but that is not an apparently logical reason why he should place such a great yet consequential responsibility on me.

I mean come on now...all I am trying to do is live life to its fullest while making the most of my God-given abilities. I must say that I am doing a fairly decent job at that; however, that is not my point. I, by no means, mind being put in charge of preventing our forest from deteriorating and I am flattered that old Smokey chose me to fulfill what he cannot: just tell me why the hell did he have to do so by means of commercial publicity? A properly formatted letter addressed to me would have been sufficient. I would have politely accepted his position with great honor. After a briefing on what exactly my role would be I am sure that I would have been the perfect candidate for the job.

Smokey and I could have then gone to a cheap strip joint and drunkenly celebrated my new duty all hours of the night.

But NO! This crazy creature had to harass me with his own brand of commercialism, accusing me of neglecting my responsibilities to the forest. This is damn well outrageous! Do you know how much money was spent trying to convince me to take the job? Are you conscious of what this has done to my social acceptance? When I try to explain my actions, individuals ignore my attempts to excuse myself. They spread nasty rumors about my mental health. I have constantly demanded that Smokey publicly apologize for these actions and will not accept my position until he does so. I have tried to make him understand that it is for the better of the forest that he rid my name of these nasty remarks but he disregards my every letter.

Smokey, if you're reading this...I hope those stubby bear legs of yours can run...cause if not, I'm coming after your ass. Watch out, bear.

Smokey the Bear
Smokey has been harassing me for years.

1998 The Deluded Informer. This is a Satirical publication, published twice a month, intended for humour only. All Rights Reserved.